Introspective
by nocloudypooh
Summary: She looks at others, she looks at herself. People look at her. Every view, seems to be different from what it is, whatever it may be. (It hurts.) A fem!Naruto story.


_A drabble collection for nanowrimo_

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 **Introspective**

I.

Sometimes, Naruto forgets how to live without her mask on. In the space between yearning and loneliness, she found a boisterous self that she embraced, a means to pass the day and fill it with shallow joy. It's not who she is, but it's so ingrained that it's become a part of her.

(At the end of the day, no one pays attention to the lone girl working home to her dilapidated apartment, no hot meal awaiting her, no family to greet her.)

II.

She tamed herself as she grew older, a quiet maturity that blossomed with the tragedies and heartbreaks in her life. Truth is, it's so tiring to be the loud one all the time, when all she ever wanted was the warmth of companionship surrounding her, blanketing her in a comfiness she could only dream of for so long.

(If someone dug a little deeper, squint a little harder, they would find that the quiet maturity has been there all along, its recognition stolen by their more boisterous counterpart. _Underneath the underneath._ )

III.

If people were to guess whether Naruto like sunrise or sunset better, the answer will almost always be the sunset, because the fiery orange glow of the setting sun is the _epitome_ of Naruto - a radiance of positive energy that make people stop and stare.

(Everyone thought that Naruto will hate the sunrise because she's lazy and hates to wake up in the morning. Truth is, between the land of dreams and land of wakefulness, there's that small little void that she relishes, when her dreams come true for just a while, even if it's just in her head.

She hates waking up because it means the end of her dreams.

Sunset, just brings back memory of walking home alone.)

IV.

For all the noise she makes in public, she thinks that the people she is closest to are the quiet ones. Not her team, no. She thinks that Team Seven has some sort of eternal curse in which no one can have a close bond with each other, not without it being ripped to shreds somehow or another.

She thinks of Shikamaru, lying down on the hill and watching the clouds, while she plonks herself down and make herself comfortable with her head on his stomach, his calm demeanour steadying her. (He always seems to know the right thing to say to her, even when she don't always know the right thing to say to him. It's not surprising anymore, but she still feels grateful to him every time, a rock that she can depend on.)

She thinks of Gaara, the nights they spend up together when one or the other can't fall asleep, their heads angled up as they point out the constellations in the desert sky, the past, present and future between the both of them. (The distance between between them never seemed to affect them much, strengthened by the knowledge of their shared identity, and the shared experiences. It wasn't easy for them both growing up, and they understood each other in a way no others could understand them, understand jinchuurikis.)

She thinks of Neji, his words curt and utilitarian but not mean, never mean. But she admires his frankness, his courage to say the things that he mean, because Naruto doesn't think she can do that, not with the fear of losing everybody around her hanging over her head. (When Neji died, earlier than he should have to, her self-courage suffered some more, and she could only bow her head at his grave, hands tightly clenched together.)

She thinks of Hinata, her kindness enveloping her with a graceful poise. There's a certain beauty in her movement when they spar, her elegance blinding her with a quiet awe. She knows Hinata is not perfect, and had confidence issues when they were younger, but it just made her all the more endearing, because she had the strength to overcome it all. (Naruto feels inferior in comparison, like an ugly duckling bumbling around unable to grow into her swan. Sometimes, it makes her look at the Hyuuga princess, envious, and she wonders what it would be like if she grew up as Konoha's princess, if her mother was with her growing up.)

(Not for the first time, she wished, prayed, hope that they could have been her teammates instead, because even that didn't take away the pain that her genin team inflicted on her, broken dreams lying in its wake.

Then again, she doesn't know if she wants to jinx something so beautiful to be her teammates. Maybe, it's safer this way.

It hurts, when Neji took the fatal blow to protect her and his cousin, but she doesn't think it hurts as bad when Sasuke left her with a gaping hole in her chest.)

V.

There's a stuffed toy on her bed one day when she got home. A small little bulldog, not big enough to be hugged, but small enough to be carried around.

She doesn't know where it came from, but the gesture is welcomed all the same.

(Except deep inside her, some time later, she did find out, but it will never be an acknowledged fact, because there will be no confession.

She doesn't know what hurts more, that she won't get her answers, or that she still carried that little stuffed dog on missions, hidden away as a good luck charm.

And she takes vindictive pleasure in never revealing what happened to the stuffed dog as it disappears from prying eyes.)

VI.

She cries. Maybe she's still too much of a girl despite how strong she tries to be, or she still wears too much of her heart on her sleeves. But she cries, quiet tears that rolls slowly down her cheeks with no one to see or hear her.

She thinks that if she were to cry with others around, no one would ever notice her doing it.

("I'm here," the voice whispers, "it's going to be okay."

When she wakes up again, the voice is just a fuzzy memory that she can't tell if it's a part of dream or reality.)

VII.

Naruto catches people giving her funny looks sometimes, looks that she can't decipher even after so long. It makes her both suspicious and frustrated, and no one really wants to explain to her what those looks mean.

And if she enjoyed the hugs a little too much afterwards, no one says anything.

("Tadaima!" A greeting.

"Okaeri." A smile.

For all her inner insecurities, she's not alone.)

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 **A/N:**

Had the inspiration to write the other this and came up with this. It's not the most polished work, but the emotions behind this are rather raw (to me), so I didn't make much edits to this. Hope you enjoyed the drabbles.

If you are a follower, apologies for not updating my other stories - I've been real busy lately and before that I was just really unmotivated with all my creative pursuits. I'm hoping to publish more this month, since it's nanowrimo. Can't really promise which story I'll update, but I've been hopping around my drafts and making edits now and then, and that usually means that I'm creative enough to be idea jumping around. Thanks for sticking around!


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